A brand new page of life is about to turn in an hour or so. A new year, a new me?? I don’t know. The coming year is going to be the toughest yet. “Life-changing”, as they say. But its the past few years that have changed life and changed me(although many who know me inside out will say at this point that I will never change 
). Influences that will last a lifetime have been introduced to me in the past 5 years. I will not forget. Most of all I will not give up. But at 22 life changes around you so fast, its like one of those scenes in movies, when everything around you is moving 10 times your speed, and you are just watching helplessly. However, there is always my guitar to spend new years with, and my blog to confide in
Things I Will not forget about the past 5 years:
1) Uncontrollable, mindless laughter invoked by rubbish jokes, that still seemed funny after a month.
2) On-the-spot picnic plans, with no concern about too much sun or too less money. And sunburned faces and empty purses the next day.
3) A state of pure undiluted peace, comfort, love and sanity of mind, that made my toes curl and uncurl on their own accord 
(i’m weird)
4) Some memorable days with the red alto and its occupants
5) One hour kadamba bus (ahhh….the days of public transport ) journeys that seemed like 10 minutes, and the 10 minute wait at the bus stop that seemed like an hour
6) Lazy evenings on the beach, taking my troubled mind and myself for a walk
7) 11th March 2007, need I say more?
New years with both parents
9) The few days of “recovery” in Pench wildlife sanctuary
10) Watching Nish eat 3 times as much rice as me in half as much time, watching gayu n melu laugh like crazy, watching saru n padma fight about marks and studies, how 60 students could copy one 15 page assignment in lunck break, aavishkar 2008
11) Rides on the Hunk and the Unicorn
12) Saying goodbye on 10th oct 2008 and not crying
13) Tour de Nepal 
14) Endless talk and gossip at the carrom table, till the mosquitoes got us out of there
15) The terror of Engineering Graphics, the awesomeness of Embedded Systems
16) The mini hug
17) Placements and CAT preparations
18) Short-lived escapades on skates
Things I Promise to do in the next 5 years
1) LET GO
2) Stand strong, irrespective of who stands along with me
3) Try to smile The Smile
4) Be truthful to myself
5) Get fit, take care of my health
6) Not give my mind enough time to keep recycling thoughts
7) Take responsibility for loved ones and their peace of mind
Continue with my music
9) Try to make the list for the future longer than the list for the past, next time around.
“Keep saying ‘All izz well’, it fools your heart. The problems dont get solved, but it gives you the courage to cope” Seemingly a useless thought that doesn’t work in the “real” world, but well, there is no plan B, so this is about all one can do.
I just read about change-blindness here and came to the same slightly disturbing conclusion that many others did: we are oblivious to certain glaring changes around us because we are too busy concentrating on something a lot more trivial. And I think this theory works in any walk of life.
You are so busy staring at the cards and their colour, feeling witty, wanting catch the guy at it, that fate deals you a laughable stroke and leaves you feeling ashamed of yourself.
It happened to the American economy, in Dubai too. I’m not saying this is the sole reason for the crises, but it is true that we are too busy looking at the glorious and the sensational to “get the whole picture”. It’s the same with the climate, the same with the diminishing importance of art and culture in the next generation. It’s not that we just don’t care, we don’t notice.
Once I used to laugh uncontrollably for 20 minutes about trivial jokes. I don’t remember laughing that hard for a while now. Once I used to finish reading 3 new books in a month, (although ‘Shantaram’ took me 4 )and now I’ve been reduced to re-re-reading Harry Potters (my definition of “light” reading) waiting for sleep to come. These changes are so imperceptible you don’t even have a hint to wait n think. It strikes as a giant change after it has already happened.
It happens with relationships too. It’s a very hard to digest fact that people are constantly changing. The image you had of your friend a year ago fails to stand up to itself today. You cannot expect the same things, you cannot want the same priorities, especially when we are all poised on turning points in our individual lives. Sometimes you are so unwilling to see the change, so absorbed in your own version of how things are that when reality pokes its head out, it is highly stressful to cope and accept. The realignment of thoughts, values and feelings is very difficult. But it needs to be done. Sit and feel surprised and ashamed is all you can do, when you realize so many things changed, and you were incapable of noticing.
Sheryl crow on my mind again. I really don’t know how she has a song for every single mood I’ve been in. Its extremely ironic that I write a blog so I can empty my thoughts out, but when I really need to, there are no words that can express my thoughts and convey my feelings. That eternal magic belongs to music, and only music. And yet, Sherly Crow manages to find lyrics to her songs that make me feel, that if my life was a play, there would be one of her songs playing in the background in each act.
Detours
Mother, can you hold me together
It’s so dark and I’m losing my way
I took all of these detours to find love
But when I did, it just faded away
Now what do I do
With this sweet love of mine
Do I give it away and
Hope someday I’ll find
Someone half as awake
As the moon and the stars
Mother, teach me to love
With a paper-thin heart
Mother, your words are so healing
You speak of love and of light and of peace
But I’ve made it my course to avoid you
Just to hide from these feelings of grief
Now what do I do
With the sweet love of mine
Do I give it away and
Hope someday I’ll find
Someone half as awake
As the moon and the stars
Mother, teach me to love
With a paper-thin heart
Mother, I know you are with me
You were there when I took my first breath
I can’t stop looking back for the answers
I just keep coming up with regret
There are some things I just can’t forget
And……………..
Have a nice day………..
The word matlabi and me, we have a horrible history. People who cant even begin to appreciate how lovely friendship can be, used that word flippantly around me once. And it hurt bad. Because my sphere of self-evaluation is unfortunately external. When people tell me they miss me and love me, I feel loved and missed. When my little bro (he’s at least a foot taller and just a year younger to me) tells me I’m the most mature person he’s met, I really feel mature and important. On the down side, when someone tells me I’m stubborn and selfish, when someone tells me I’m a burden, I take those things seriously too.
But there are others in my life who truly set an example. My bro who keeps all his own pain and suffering aside time and again just so he can tolerate me ranting on about the unfairness of life. My friend who will call me up and go on for 45 mins, sharing tiny details of his day just so I’m distracted from whatever I’m upset about. It makes me feel like a kid. These are people who will keep their own work/troubles aside for someone they love, and expect very very little in return. This is something I’m rarely capable of doing. What did I do to deserve such valuable friends? How then, do I still manage to find things to complain about? That’s when the word matlabi comes to mind. That’s the beauty of being young and “out there”. One moment you feel mature, content and composed, the next moment you are back to wondering, worrying and introspecting.
It was my birthday a few days ago and wishes came to me from rather unexpected sources. All of my friends from college and some from school wished me. But there were one or two who stumped me. Now that college is over and we’ve been pushed into the “real” world, the who knows if we will see each other again attitue tends to creep in.. So some calls (or their absence) was unexpected. People whom I considered extremely selfish called me and wished me. On the other hand, people who have been an important part of my life in the recent past failed to say anything worthwhile, if at all…. Also, there were people whom I’ve not met in years. An old friend from 10th standard tuition messaged me. Our interaction lasted some 60 days. I’ve hardly seen her since. And that was seven years ago. (!!) But she remembers and messages dutifully. Several such surprises came to me on my special day, and it humbled me to a great extent. Mainly because I do not wish even half of these people regularly. Me not being good at remembering dates, even thought a fact, cannot be an excuse. Its a simple thing; keeping reminders. So again the word matlabi comes to mind.
And although I’m not an excessively selfish, mean person, (if I may say so myself) when I see some of the wonderful friends I’ve managed to make, I truly feel undeserving of all the love and care I’ve been on the receiving end of. I pat myself on my back for at least having done something right
The feeling of safety and hapiness that comes with knowing that some chosen few will be beside me, no matter what I have to face in life, no matter where I go and what I do; cannot be described in words. Cheers to those who have made my life worthwhile. Cheers to those who can still be their selfless selves in this “each-one-fend-for-himself” world. I love you and am immensely grateful.
This is a new book I’m reading and I’ve already found something interesting to share. Its written by an author who has done his MD in Homeopathy.
“We all desire to minimize our stress and suffering; we desire peace. We try to find the solution to the problem we see as the cause of the stress. We may try to avoid situations that are stressful. We attempt to change our job, our partner or our location. We try and change ourselves. We read self help books, we meditate. We talk to people about our problems.
When we have an argument with someone, when we feel hurt in a relationship, when we are having difficulties in our work or when we suffer a business loss, we tend to see the problem as being outside us, something we need to solve. We analyze the issue, find logical reasons and explanations why such a situation has occurred and what we should do about it. None of these attempts to solve the issue has lasting effect. The reason is simple, we have not got to the root of the issue.
For example, if your neighbour parks in your parking place. You have talked to him about this politely but he has done this too often At one level you will know what needs to be done and this level is matter of fact. There is no stress here, only calculation. But there is another level. “What does he think of himself? how dare he?” This level is stressful, your nerves are excited, and your mind is working overtime. When you look into the situation you will see that the stress doesn’t come from the situation, it comes from your perception of it. IE, your innermost experience of it, of anger, your feelings of being victimized, trapped, caught, helpless against a stronger opponent in your struggle to survive. Or your experience of apprehension that you will lose the parking space. Or your experience of fear of facing the rudeness of your neighbor when you confront him, your desire to avoid the rudeness because you are lazy or sensitive. This experience is who you are, that is the stress for you; it is the source of constant stress.
At some point we do realize that stress is not outside us, but in the way we perceive and react to reality. And this is unique to each one of us. In fact it is the way each one perceives and reacts to reality which makes him unique, gives him his individuality. Thus our stress is inseparable from our individuality. This experience is not emotional or intellectual; it is a sensation felt in the body and mind simultaneously, one that is constant; one that colours our whole experience of life. This sensation is our constant companion, the other song that keeps singing with the tune of our existance.
Wise words from a friend I used to chat a lot with…
and teju ..
as an experience f life..
i donno if…wat i say wuld mean nything to u …or
where are u Mr Zindagi??I have always found it funny; the way they show thoughts formed in bubbles and clouds in comics. “How can thoughts be framed in complete, grammatically correct sentences?” was always a thing I pondered. Because, until recently, thinking had never been a conscious process. Words never got formed in my head, unless it was a memory of someone saying something. It was always a muddle of images, feelings, memories and emotions.
There is always a relevant perception of things around me (I’m not really going crazy…..not yet anyways ) and a well-connected train of thoughts that we experience, but is it really a string of words? One thought leads to another, but does it follow any rules of language? Basically, is there a language for thoughts? There never was one for me. I didn’t study all my subjects in school in my mother tongue, it was always English for me. And now I have grown to love this language that I can use better than my mother tongue. But when it comes to the flurry of things that go on in my head, again, there is no language. Sometimes, even no logical relevance
But now things are changing. Reluctantly, the brain is separating from the mind. And now instructions and comments like “For gods sake stop thinking so much”, “C’est la vie, keep it aside, or move on, there is nothing else to be done”, “slow female drivers, when will they learn?” really do float through my head. Its my brain instructing my mind. And although it’s part of growing up, it is also a part of going completely nuts. The whole having two Tejasees, one instructing the other, is bizarre for me.
This consciousness of thoughts and actions was never necessary earlier, now it is. That’s the whole flip side of growing up. You get to wear nice dresses and heels, but you’ve got to suck it up and be nice, be mature, think and act with reason and moral constraint. The kid side of me wants to scream a vehement NO!! to all this. I DONT want to accept complete responsibility for my actions, but I have to. I DONT want to accept that the world is not all rosy and beautiful; and things will not always go my way, but I have to. I DONT want to bear the guilt that comes with not being able to be the perfect daughter, sis, friend, love, but I have to.
And whats more, when the brain instructs, the mind listens. This sudden submissive nature of the once-gallopping-in-full-abandon mind is frustrating too. But that’s the difference between the “grown-ups” and the “adults”. Grown-ups is nothing but a term that kids use for “those people”. But being an adult is the real thing. I really don’t know how to conclude this post, so this is the best way…
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And yet never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings – nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything thats in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man my son!
-Rudyard Kipling
Thanks a million to Darshana for this one
When I googled this abbreviation for my Project Report a few months ago, I meant Light Dependent Resistors. But I was surprised to find it also means Long Distance Relationships. And it brought a lot of things flooding to my head. “So this is such an important subject for so many people??” “Haha!
Well here is my “experienced” take on it….
First things first.. 95% of my friends have a boyfriend/girlfriend…. Fact. Some chose to disclose it some don’t. Some don’t like the term “boyfriend” because it somehow brings “physical intimacy” into the picture (which should not be the case). Special friend, “him”, the one, close friend, whatever you call him, this is one guy in whom you invest a lot of your emotions, time and love. And this is not the “pyaar me socha nahi jaata, pyaar bas ho jaata hai” scenario. Yes, in most cases is just “happens” mostly with the guy “pataoing” the girl, but it is still a well-thought-out decision. Some prefer to stay out of the whole mess, some dive headlong, some try to put it off till they build some faith in the system….yada yada yada….long story short everyone has their reasons, but yes, there is that someone for everyone.
Now a problem arises……. if u disclose it, everyone knows, if you don’t, everyone STILL knows. If you disclose, at the appropriate age ( and sometimes at an inappropriate one) questions start cropping up… “how long have u been together?”,”Any plans of engagement?”,”When do you want to get married?”,”Do your families see eye to eye?”. On the other hand, if you don’t disclose and claim to be just friends (maybe you are not even sure yourself yet), then people will formulate their own theories about why you are together, what is keeping you apart and it becomes a topic open to discussion. Personally I prefer telling the world about something that makes me happy instead of letting them cook up their own version of the truth. Also a word of caution for those “we are just friends” people… he/she can dump you any time they want and then, anyone you go crying to, will say “But I thought the two of you were just friends..” Then you are only left with the choice of admitting that you are a liar, or having the guts to deal with it on your own. It’s even more messy when the other person still sticks to the “we were just friends” version, making them immune to any questions anyone might ask, and making you look like a sympathy-seeker if you tell anyone about it . On the other hand, once you disclose something, be sure to live up to it, or face embarrassment and disgrace if it doesn’t work out.
I’d like to point out here, that I belong to that section of people, where we actually intend things to work out. Any relationship is never intended to be temporary. Everyone is looking at the future with optimism and sometimes naivety. The youth is still stumbling on un-trodden paths and the families are willing to let them learn from their own mistakes.
Now that we’ve spoken about everyone else, lets talk about the individuals in the relationship. One of my friends had a very cynical approach “when you enter a relationship, be prepared to either screw the other person or be screwed by them”. Very crude, but sometimes very true. If you don’t find that balance, if you are not prepared to make adjustments, be compromising and work on it; things can get so very cloudy. So here is the situation. We are 21 or 22. And we have already chosen the person we hope to spend our life with. If this was two decades ago, we would have probably married right here, right now. But today, we want to do something with our lives, we want to grow on our own, satisfy our need for achievement on our own, see the world. The girls don’t want to jump from one state of dependency to another. The guys want to make sure they are well on their way in life before getting caught in raising a family. And we will probably be apart, working in different spheres of life, in different countries even. That’s when LDR comes into the picture.
So many questions have to be answered… Will we want the same things 5 years in the future? Will we stay in touch? Will we cope with who makes what sacrifices? How will we grow separately and still like each other? When we meet more and more people, will we repent our decisions,will we stick to our decisions, will we have faith in the other person sticking to their decision? the list goes on…
Well.. Firstly this this the age of communication. Staying in touch is not the problem, still being able to communicate on the same level is. That’s how we will have to grow… separately yet together. We will have to get used to change. We will have to get used to making sacrifices. We will have to work on issues and resolve them……but wait…are these things not applicable to non-LDRs too? Is this not just life? Its like searching for the perfect grain of rice in a vast field. Either you can keep on searching all your life, believing that you’ve not found the best yet, or you can look a while, in a limited section, for a limited while and say this is mine and will make the best of it. We will grow, we will change, and we will deal with the changes. We hope to have that maturity. And yes, we will be prepared for the worst too.
50 years ago, people didnt know the person they were marrying till their wedding day. They still made some wonderful success storeis. 5 years ago, people saw each other for 8 years before deciding to marry. And they too made some wonderful success stories. Each generation has had their own stuff to deal with.. arranged marriages, love marriages, inter-racial marriages, inter-religion marriages, live-in-relationships, you name it… And now there is LDR. Its not the situation you are in, it is how you deal with it. Thats what makes things work. ANd everything else is irrelevant. You will stick with someone as long as you are happy. You will be happy only if you work on it. You will work on it only if you want to stick with it.
