Matlabi

The word matlabi and me, we have a horrible history. People who cant even begin to appreciate how lovely friendship can be, used that word flippantly around me once. And it hurt bad. Because my sphere of self-evaluation is unfortunately external. When people tell me they miss me and love me, I feel loved and missed. When my little bro (he’s at least a foot taller and just a year younger to me) tells me I’m the most mature person he’s met, I really feel mature and important. On the down side, when someone tells me I’m stubborn and selfish, when someone tells me I’m a burden, I take those things seriously too.

But there are others in my life who truly set an example. My love who sings and plays songs for me after 11 hour shifts of work, just to make a crappy day all right. My bro who keeps all his own pain and suffering aside time and again just so he can tolerate me ranting on about the unfairness of life. My friend who will call me up and go on for 45 mins, sharing tiny details of his day just so I’m distracted from whatever I’m upset about. It makes me feel like a kid. These are people who will keep their own work/troubles aside for someone they love, and expect very very little in return. This is something I’m rarely capable of doing. What did I do to deserve such valuable friends? How then, do I still manage to find things to complain about? That’s when the word matlabi comes to mind. That’s the beauty of being young and “out there”. One moment you feel mature, content and composed, the next moment you are back to wondering, worrying and introspecting.

It was my birthday a few days ago and wishes came to me from rather unexpected sources. All of my friends from college and some from school wished me. But there were one or two who stumped me. Now that college is over and we’ve been pushed into the “real” world, the who knows if we will see each other again attitue tends to creep in.. So some calls (or their absence) was unexpected. People whom I considered extremely selfish called me and wished me. On the other hand, people who have been an important part of my life in the recent past failed to say anything worthwhile, if at all…. Also, there were people whom I’ve not met in years.  An old friend from 10th standard tuition messaged me. Our interaction lasted some 60 days. I’ve hardly seen her since. And that was seven years ago. (!!) But she remembers and messages dutifully. Several such surprises came to me on my special day, and it humbled me to a great extent. Mainly because I do not wish even half of these people regularly. Me not being good at remembering dates, even thought a fact, cannot be an excuse. Its a simple thing;  keeping reminders.  So again the word matlabi comes to mind.

And although I’m not an excessively selfish, mean person, (if I may say so myself) when I see some of the wonderful friends I’ve managed to make, I truly feel undeserving of all the love and care I’ve been on the receiving end of. I pat myself on my back for at least having done something right

The feeling of safety and hapiness that comes with knowing that some chosen few will be beside me, no matter what I have to face in life, no matter where I go and what I do; cannot be described in words. Cheers to those who have made my life worthwhile. Cheers to those who can still be their selfless selves in this “each-one-fend-for-himself” world. I love you and am immensely grateful.

It’s all coming back to me now….

Wise words from a friend I used to chat a lot with…

and teju ..

as an experience f life..

i donno if…wat i say wuld mean nything to u …or

how much u wuld remember ..

” NEVER EXPOSE

TOO MUCH OF UR WEAKESSES

to NY1

“

even if its ur best frnd ..

i knw i may be sounding too

irrational here..

but u kno wat.

PPL DONT LIKE IT

WHEN

U “”WANT “”"

to BE IMP IN THEIR LIFE !!

ob …even they realise

tht U R !!

but …”" U”"

dnt tell them tht ..

ki ..

for the grt frndship u r..

U CRAVE to B IMP

in THEIR lives..

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

thts whr u lose respect..and they take u fr granted

dekh yaar..

ANY

RELATIONSHIP

(frnship ESPECIALLY !!)

is always …

)always*

held up

only on an equal standing

u cannot

REQUEST

sum1 to b Ur NYTHING

jus coz u NEED him/her .

ppl dnt care..

if u mean to them ..

that comes automatically

so …

chillax

!

u know sumthing …

that i ve realized quite lately in life ..

that howsosever close a frnd mayb to u ..

they will act strangely

once in a while ..

and hurt u .

in that case ..

rather than trying to ….figure out

the reason behind ….the way they acted

its better to jus attribute it to

human stupidity

and forgive

lolz..

where are u Mr Zindagi??

Comic thoughts

I have always found it funny; the way they show thoughts formed in bubbles and clouds in comics.  “How can thoughts be framed in complete, grammatically correct sentences?” was always a thing I pondered. Because, until recently, thinking had never been a conscious process. Words never got formed in my head, unless it was a memory of someone saying something. It was always a muddle of images, feelings, memories and emotions.

There is always a relevant perception of things around me (I’m not really going crazy…..not yet anyways ) and a well-connected train of thoughts that we experience, but is it really a string of words? One thought leads to another, but does it follow any rules of language? Basically, is there a language for thoughts? There never was one for me. I didn’t study all my subjects in school in my mother tongue, it was always English for me. And now I have grown to love this language that I can use better than my mother tongue. But when it comes to the flurry of things that go on in my head, again, there is no language. Sometimes, even no logical relevance

But now things are changing. Reluctantly, the brain is separating from the mind. And now instructions and comments like  “For gods sake stop thinking so much”, “C’est la vie, keep it aside, or move on, there is nothing else to be done”, “slow female drivers, when will they learn?” really do float through my head. Its my brain instructing my mind. And although it’s part of growing up, it is also a part of going completely nuts. The whole having two Tejasees, one instructing the other,  is bizarre for me.

This consciousness of thoughts and actions was never necessary earlier, now it is. That’s the whole flip side of growing up. You get to wear nice dresses and heels, but you’ve got to suck it up and be nice, be mature, think and act with reason and moral constraint. The kid side of me wants to scream a vehement NO!! to all this. I DONT want to accept complete responsibility for my actions, but I have to. I DONT want to accept that the world is not all rosy and beautiful; and things will not always go my way, but I have to. I DONT  want to bear the guilt that comes with not being able to be the perfect daughter, sis, friend, love, but I have to.

And whats more, when the brain instructs, the mind listens. This sudden submissive nature of the once-gallopping-in-full-abandon mind is frustrating too. But that’s the difference between the “grown-ups” and the “adults”. Grown-ups is nothing but a term that kids use for “those people”. But being an adult is the real thing. I really don’t know how to conclude this post, so this is the best way…

LDR

When I googled this abbreviation for my Project Report a few months ago, I meant Light Dependent Resistors. But I was surprised to find it also means Long Distance Relationships. And it brought  a lot of things flooding to my head. “So this is such an important subject for so many people??” “Haha!

Well here is my “experienced” take on it….

First things first.. 95% of my friends have a boyfriend/girlfriend…. Fact. Some chose to disclose it some don’t. Some don’t like the term “boyfriend” because it somehow brings “physical intimacy” into the picture (which should not be the case). Special friend, “him”, the one, close friend, whatever you call him, this is one guy in whom you invest a lot of your emotions, time and love. And this is not the “pyaar me socha nahi jaata, pyaar bas ho jaata hai” scenario. Yes, in most cases is just “happens” mostly with the guy “pataoing” the girl, but it is still a well-thought-out decision. Some prefer to stay out of the whole mess, some dive headlong, some try to put it off till they build some faith in the system….yada yada yada….long story short everyone has their reasons, but yes, there is that someone for everyone.

Now a problem arises……. if u disclose it, everyone knows, if you don’t, everyone STILL knows. If you disclose, at the appropriate age ( and sometimes at an inappropriate one) questions start cropping up… “how long have u been together?”,”Any plans of engagement?”,”When do you want to get married?”,”Do your families see eye to eye?”. On the other hand, if you don’t disclose and claim to be just friends (maybe you are not even sure yourself yet), then people will formulate their own theories about why you are together, what is keeping you apart and it becomes a topic open to discussion. Personally I prefer telling the world about something that makes me happy instead of letting them cook up their own version of the truth. Also a word of caution for those “we are just friends” people… he/she can dump you any time they want and then, anyone you go crying to, will say “But I thought the two of you were just friends..” Then you are only left with the choice of admitting that you are a liar, or having the guts to deal with it on your own. It’s even more messy when the other person still sticks to the “we were just friends” version, making them immune to any questions anyone might ask, and making you look like a sympathy-seeker if you tell anyone about it . On the other hand, once you disclose something, be sure to live up to it, or face embarrassment and disgrace if it doesn’t work out.

I’d like to point out here, that I belong to that section of people, where we actually intend things to work out. Any relationship is never intended to be temporary. Everyone is looking at the future with optimism and sometimes naivety. The youth is still stumbling on un-trodden paths and the families are willing to let them learn from their own mistakes.

Now that we’ve spoken about everyone else, lets talk about the individuals in the relationship. One of my friends had a very cynical approach “when you enter a relationship, be prepared to either screw the other person or be screwed by them”. Very crude, but sometimes very true. If you don’t find that balance, if you are not prepared to make adjustments, be compromising and work on it; things can get so very cloudy. So here is the situation. We are 21 or 22. And we have already chosen the person we hope to spend our life with. If this was two decades ago, we would have probably married right here, right now. But today, we want to do something with our lives, we want to grow on our own, satisfy our need for achievement on our own, see the world. The girls don’t want to jump from one state of dependency to another. The guys want to make sure they are well on their way in life before getting caught in raising a family. And we will probably be apart, working in different spheres of life, in different countries even. That’s when LDR comes into the picture.

So many questions have to be answered… Will we want the same things 5 years in the future? Will we stay in touch? Will we cope with who makes what sacrifices? How will we grow separately and still like each other? When we meet more and more people, will we repent our decisions,will we stick to our decisions, will we have faith in the other person sticking to their decision? the list goes on…

Well.. Firstly this this the age of communication. Staying in touch is not the problem, still being able to communicate on the same level is. That’s how we will have to grow… separately yet together. We will have to get used to change. We will have to get used to making sacrifices. We will have to work on issues and resolve them……but wait…are these things not applicable to  non-LDRs too? Is this not just life? Its like searching for the perfect grain of rice in a vast field. Either you can keep on searching all your life, believing that you’ve not found the best yet, or you can look a while, in a limited section, for a limited while and say this is mine and will make the best of it. We will grow, we will change, and we will deal with the changes. We hope to have that maturity. And yes, we will be prepared for the worst too.

50 years ago, people didnt know the person they were marrying till their wedding day. They still made some wonderful success storeis. 5 years ago, people saw each other for 8 years before deciding to marry. And they too made some wonderful success stories.  Each generation has had their own stuff to deal with.. arranged marriages,  love marriages, inter-racial marriages, inter-religion marriages, live-in-relationships, you name it… And now there is LDR. Its not the situation you are in, it is how you deal with it. Thats what makes things work. ANd everything else is irrelevant. You will stick with someone as long as you are happy. You will be happy only if you work on it. You will work on it only if you want to stick with it.

Friend

I wasn’t looking for it, but some how it came, and found me.
Before I had a chance to react, it wrapped it’s warmth around me.
Like a thief in the night, it has come and gone.
I have nothing, but that vision to reflect upon.

Until chance comes again, I’ll let my thoughts dance upon the wind.
All day long, in my mind, I walk love’s lonely street.
Like a tired man that longs to sit, but just can’t find a seat.
Then, there it was again, up ahead, to light my way.

Only to vanish once more, just like all my yesterdays.
Until chance comes again, I’ll let my thoughts dance upon the wind.
I don’t know where I’m going, and where I’ve been isn’t much to speak of.
I just know my heart is always showing, leading me to some far off love.

Just when I give up the fight.
Here it comes to make the bad things good, and the wrong things right.
Only to leave me lost and lonely again.
Drifting away as my thoughts dance upon the wind.

It has a name, I think they call it friend.

I came across this poem when I was searching for something  to write to people who have made a difference in my life during my time in college. We just finished bidding farewell to each other. Its just four year but so many things have never happened in my life in such a short span of time. I’m sure everyone will carry loads of memories. The bunking, the picnics, the screw ups, the tears, the laughs, the first crushes, the broken hearts, the new beginnings… so much to remember… so much to forget. A lot to forgive and some to hold on to for a lifetime .

Just like all important things in life, that are invisible to the eye and illusive to the brain, friendship baffles me. I’ve picked up some gems, (using that analogy i could say i’ve discarded some pebbles :p ) What baffles me is how much changes and yet some things will always remain.

Everyone has their own definitions of what a friend should be. Some one to hang out with, some one who can keep you smiling, someone who knows everything about you, and likes you inspite of all your short-comings. All these are just the basic requirements we all grew up with as kids. But as we grow up, there are a lot more things expected from a true friend. Things that really cant be put to words. Things that inspire vague posts like these :p There is so much to be said… maybe some day I will.. but not yet… for now… this post is all i can come up with.

Hard to make a stand

Different views and different lives, we all opine and advice
Second chances and first impressions, we all make judgments
Forgiveness for one, punishment for the other
Its hard to make a stand

Your wrong is my right, my take is your give
Who is selfish who is not, we all point fingers
But none here stands with a pure conscience
Its hard to make a stand

Darker than dark, brighter than bright, is there a scale?
Tears of happiness and days of joy
Life is a psychologist’s ink blotch
Its hard to make a stand

His mistakes, her nightmares, her life, his plight
Your meat my poison, the other side of the same coin
Ignoring thoughts never seemed harder
Its hard to make a stand

Let’s Do The Things We Normally Do

Saw this one on TV before I heard it.. A first.. anyways…really liked the video as well as the lyrics… and dido’s voice rocks as usual

Let’s Do The Things We Normally Do

Let’s pretend that we’ll be here tomorrow
And I’ll try for you to be a little more on time
I know you need to say you know you’ve let me down
But you haven’t and it’s hard to talk with people all around

Please don’t say how proud you are
Lets do the things we normally do
I’ll say see you later
You’ll sing a line or two
From your rebel songs sung out of tune

Don’t hold my hand for longer than you need to

Lets forget that we’re here and make some plans
We’ll go for walks
Sit on the bench we always sat
I’ll tell you every little detail of my day and so will you
Don’t try to stay awake
I’m feeling tired too

This is just another day
Let’s do the things we normally do

I’ll say see you later you’ll sing a line or two
From your rebel songs sung out of tune

Don’t hold my hand for longer than you need to

Armored cars and tanks and guns came to take away our sons
And everybody’s stood behind
The man behind the wire
There’s a fight to love
A fight to have
Your bed’s a battlefield and back
And all of this will just be stripped away

Let’s do the things we normally do
I’ll say see you later you’ll sing a line or two
From your rebel songs sung out of tune
Don’t hold my hand for longer than you need to

Don’t look me in the eye more than you need to

Don’t try to say goodbye if I don’t want to
Don’t say how proud you are
And say I’m far away
and take along your
and say a word
and I can say fade away

Sponges and Driftwoods

One meets new people everyday, sometimes the people we know seem to re-invent themselves. Or rather, our perception about them changes. This whole dynamic nature of interactions with fellow humans gives rise to things like “friendship” and “love” and “unity”. Like minded people seem to group up, or sometimes even a common motive is enough…. for example… ” We want to have fun”…. Last year of college sees this change in people… Everyone is suddenly aware that in a few months these days will only be part of wistful memories and wishful thinking. And suddenly, all differences are forgotten, and then, “We want to have fun”.

This is something I have been writing about for quite long. That we never know people, we only know the image we form of them in our own minds. Most people, for that matter, don’t know themselves that thoroughly either. I am one of them. A few months back I would scoff at females whose whole aim in life is being good wives. Now I might not. Being a good wife and mother is by itself a life-time acheivement. I know that now. People change, their views, nature, everything. And your perception of them then fails to catch up.

But these days I can classify everyone I know into two clean groups. The Sponges and the Driftwoods.

The Sponges are the ones that only absorb whatever life throws at them. Good times, bad times, whatever it is, these people might spend hours drinking in the beauty of the beautiful scene, and they will take years to get over the loss of a loved one. Everything they experience will be stored away in some corner of their minds, every emotion, every memory. And every once in a while when the load becomes too much, the sponges need something to wring themselves dry, leaving only faint moist remainders of the past.

The Driftwoods are the ones that live life like a journey down a stream. Every rock, every twist and turn has its lessons to teach, and every incident carves the shape of the drifwood. But unlike the sponges, the driftwoods do not soak in everything. Every experince; whether favourable or otherwise will only play its role in shaping the driftwood, making it; by the end of its journey, an item worth collecting and marvelling at.

I am a sponge, proud to be one, but I think it is only fair to admit that every sponge, some day or the other needs to turn into driftwood. What say?

Lessons from Alice – I

She hastily put down the bottle
saying to herself: “That’s quite enough-
I hope I shan’t grow anymore-
As it is,I cant’t get out of the door-
I do wish I hadn’t drunk quite so much!”

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Lewis Carroll

My bakwaas theories

Someone asked me what my theories about life are..

1) Life balances itself out. You should try not to meddle with it. I am not talking about taking/ not taking actions to solve problems… I am talking about the fact that good and bad things happen to you, you have no control over what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to it. Sometimes, not taking any action is an action in itself…. if you know what I mean.

2) You never really know anyone. By the time you come close to understanding and knowing them, they have already changed.

3)People change. Without warning, without letting you know.

4)Ironically, you can’t change people. It is nearly impossible to change a person’s basic nature.

5)There are explanations for everything. There may not be reasons for eveything.

6)95% of “first love” cases don’t work out. But the cutest and sweetest real love stories are about first loves.

7)Everybody is right and justified from their own point of view.

8)Being judgemental is human nature. You can’t help having first impressions about everyone you meet. They are mostly wrong.

9)Like Sheryl Crow says: “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad… If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?”