Matlabi

The word matlabi and me, we have a horrible history. People who cant even begin to appreciate how lovely friendship can be, used that word flippantly around me once. And it hurt bad. Because my sphere of self-evaluation is unfortunately external. When people tell me they miss me and love me, I feel loved and missed. When my little bro (he’s at least a foot taller and just a year younger to me) tells me I’m the most mature person he’s met, I really feel mature and important. On the down side, when someone tells me I’m stubborn and selfish, when someone tells me I’m a burden, I take those things seriously too.

But there are others in my life who truly set an example. My love who sings and plays songs for me after 11 hour shifts of work, just to make a crappy day all right. My bro who keeps all his own pain and suffering aside time and again just so he can tolerate me ranting on about the unfairness of life. My friend who will call me up and go on for 45 mins, sharing tiny details of his day just so I’m distracted from whatever I’m upset about. It makes me feel like a kid. These are people who will keep their own work/troubles aside for someone they love, and expect very very little in return. This is something I’m rarely capable of doing. What did I do to deserve such valuable friends? How then, do I still manage to find things to complain about? That’s when the word matlabi comes to mind. That’s the beauty of being young and “out there”. One moment you feel mature, content and composed, the next moment you are back to wondering, worrying and introspecting.

It was my birthday a few days ago and wishes came to me from rather unexpected sources. All of my friends from college and some from school wished me. But there were one or two who stumped me. Now that college is over and we’ve been pushed into the “real” world, the who knows if we will see each other again attitue tends to creep in.. So some calls (or their absence) was unexpected. People whom I considered extremely selfish called me and wished me. On the other hand, people who have been an important part of my life in the recent past failed to say anything worthwhile, if at all…. Also, there were people whom I’ve not met in years.  An old friend from 10th standard tuition messaged me. Our interaction lasted some 60 days. I’ve hardly seen her since. And that was seven years ago. (!!) But she remembers and messages dutifully. Several such surprises came to me on my special day, and it humbled me to a great extent. Mainly because I do not wish even half of these people regularly. Me not being good at remembering dates, even thought a fact, cannot be an excuse. Its a simple thing;  keeping reminders.  So again the word matlabi comes to mind.

And although I’m not an excessively selfish, mean person, (if I may say so myself) when I see some of the wonderful friends I’ve managed to make, I truly feel undeserving of all the love and care I’ve been on the receiving end of. I pat myself on my back for at least having done something right

The feeling of safety and hapiness that comes with knowing that some chosen few will be beside me, no matter what I have to face in life, no matter where I go and what I do; cannot be described in words. Cheers to those who have made my life worthwhile. Cheers to those who can still be their selfless selves in this “each-one-fend-for-himself” world. I love you and am immensely grateful.

LDR

When I googled this abbreviation for my Project Report a few months ago, I meant Light Dependent Resistors. But I was surprised to find it also means Long Distance Relationships. And it brought  a lot of things flooding to my head. “So this is such an important subject for so many people??” “Haha!

Well here is my “experienced” take on it….

First things first.. 95% of my friends have a boyfriend/girlfriend…. Fact. Some chose to disclose it some don’t. Some don’t like the term “boyfriend” because it somehow brings “physical intimacy” into the picture (which should not be the case). Special friend, “him”, the one, close friend, whatever you call him, this is one guy in whom you invest a lot of your emotions, time and love. And this is not the “pyaar me socha nahi jaata, pyaar bas ho jaata hai” scenario. Yes, in most cases is just “happens” mostly with the guy “pataoing” the girl, but it is still a well-thought-out decision. Some prefer to stay out of the whole mess, some dive headlong, some try to put it off till they build some faith in the system….yada yada yada….long story short everyone has their reasons, but yes, there is that someone for everyone.

Now a problem arises……. if u disclose it, everyone knows, if you don’t, everyone STILL knows. If you disclose, at the appropriate age ( and sometimes at an inappropriate one) questions start cropping up… “how long have u been together?”,”Any plans of engagement?”,”When do you want to get married?”,”Do your families see eye to eye?”. On the other hand, if you don’t disclose and claim to be just friends (maybe you are not even sure yourself yet), then people will formulate their own theories about why you are together, what is keeping you apart and it becomes a topic open to discussion. Personally I prefer telling the world about something that makes me happy instead of letting them cook up their own version of the truth. Also a word of caution for those “we are just friends” people… he/she can dump you any time they want and then, anyone you go crying to, will say “But I thought the two of you were just friends..” Then you are only left with the choice of admitting that you are a liar, or having the guts to deal with it on your own. It’s even more messy when the other person still sticks to the “we were just friends” version, making them immune to any questions anyone might ask, and making you look like a sympathy-seeker if you tell anyone about it . On the other hand, once you disclose something, be sure to live up to it, or face embarrassment and disgrace if it doesn’t work out.

I’d like to point out here, that I belong to that section of people, where we actually intend things to work out. Any relationship is never intended to be temporary. Everyone is looking at the future with optimism and sometimes naivety. The youth is still stumbling on un-trodden paths and the families are willing to let them learn from their own mistakes.

Now that we’ve spoken about everyone else, lets talk about the individuals in the relationship. One of my friends had a very cynical approach “when you enter a relationship, be prepared to either screw the other person or be screwed by them”. Very crude, but sometimes very true. If you don’t find that balance, if you are not prepared to make adjustments, be compromising and work on it; things can get so very cloudy. So here is the situation. We are 21 or 22. And we have already chosen the person we hope to spend our life with. If this was two decades ago, we would have probably married right here, right now. But today, we want to do something with our lives, we want to grow on our own, satisfy our need for achievement on our own, see the world. The girls don’t want to jump from one state of dependency to another. The guys want to make sure they are well on their way in life before getting caught in raising a family. And we will probably be apart, working in different spheres of life, in different countries even. That’s when LDR comes into the picture.

So many questions have to be answered… Will we want the same things 5 years in the future? Will we stay in touch? Will we cope with who makes what sacrifices? How will we grow separately and still like each other? When we meet more and more people, will we repent our decisions,will we stick to our decisions, will we have faith in the other person sticking to their decision? the list goes on…

Well.. Firstly this this the age of communication. Staying in touch is not the problem, still being able to communicate on the same level is. That’s how we will have to grow… separately yet together. We will have to get used to change. We will have to get used to making sacrifices. We will have to work on issues and resolve them……but wait…are these things not applicable to  non-LDRs too? Is this not just life? Its like searching for the perfect grain of rice in a vast field. Either you can keep on searching all your life, believing that you’ve not found the best yet, or you can look a while, in a limited section, for a limited while and say this is mine and will make the best of it. We will grow, we will change, and we will deal with the changes. We hope to have that maturity. And yes, we will be prepared for the worst too.

50 years ago, people didnt know the person they were marrying till their wedding day. They still made some wonderful success storeis. 5 years ago, people saw each other for 8 years before deciding to marry. And they too made some wonderful success stories.  Each generation has had their own stuff to deal with.. arranged marriages,  love marriages, inter-racial marriages, inter-religion marriages, live-in-relationships, you name it… And now there is LDR. Its not the situation you are in, it is how you deal with it. Thats what makes things work. ANd everything else is irrelevant. You will stick with someone as long as you are happy. You will be happy only if you work on it. You will work on it only if you want to stick with it.

My bakwaas theories

Someone asked me what my theories about life are..

1) Life balances itself out. You should try not to meddle with it. I am not talking about taking/ not taking actions to solve problems… I am talking about the fact that good and bad things happen to you, you have no control over what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to it. Sometimes, not taking any action is an action in itself…. if you know what I mean.

2) You never really know anyone. By the time you come close to understanding and knowing them, they have already changed.

3)People change. Without warning, without letting you know.

4)Ironically, you can’t change people. It is nearly impossible to change a person’s basic nature.

5)There are explanations for everything. There may not be reasons for eveything.

6)95% of “first love” cases don’t work out. But the cutest and sweetest real love stories are about first loves.

7)Everybody is right and justified from their own point of view.

8)Being judgemental is human nature. You can’t help having first impressions about everyone you meet. They are mostly wrong.

9)Like Sheryl Crow says: “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad… If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?”

In an ideal world

In an ideal world….

• There would be no suffering
• There would be no exams
• Best friends would be next-door neighbors
• There would be no heartbreaks, depression, tension, stress
• There would be no poverty, illness, crime
• There wouldn’t be an unborn child with a heart defect, and parents who want to abort it
• There would be no politics, nuclear deals and terrorism

But are we ready for such a world?

If there is no suffering, what would we compare happiness to? If distance wouldn’t separate our loved ones from us, what value would we have for them. If there are no heartbreaks, there would be no friendships, no flirting, no laughs and winks, no attraction and adolescence would lose all of its tingling. No exams still seems like a good idea though and no terrorism too. But think of it…. I don’t want to live in an ideal world. I think these words from Shantaram explain it better..

“I think that we do not suffer anything in this life, if we are strong enough to deny it.”

“Is it not true that some of our strength comes from suffering? That suffering hardship makes us stronger? That those of us who have never known a real hardship, and true suffering, cannot have the same strength as others, who have suffered much? And if that is true, does that not mean that your argument is the same thing as saying that we have to be weak to suffer, and we have to suffer to be strong, so we have to be weak to be strong?”

“I would say that it is different for all of us, but that it happens when we grow up, when we mature and pass from the childishness of our youthful tears and become adults. I think that is a part of growing up, learning to control our suffering.I think we grow up, and we learn that happiness is rare, that it passes quickly, we become disillusioned and hurt. Suffering, you see is a kind of anger. We rage against the unfairness, the injustice of our sad and sorry lot “

What does it take to grow up?

Have left the teen ages behind a long time ago,
But the kid in me never seems to take leave
Got a job in the offing a year from now,
But still too lazy to go and get a PAN card done

With the world of females craving to straighten their hair,
I seem to be the only one in love with curls
Watching every girl I know trying to look like a woman,
And all I want to do is be the girl with the snorting laugh

So happy one moment, so lonely and sad the next moment,
Are these the famous pangs of adolescence?
Nah, I think they are over-rated, these typical excuses
Maybe this is what it takes to grow up.

But what if I dont want to? Do I have a choice?
What if I have seen the world of the adults,
And I loath it already, the profanity
What if I detest it already

Call it running away from responsibilities if you may,
Or even call me a coward for hating this thing called destiny
For I have been there in that world of selfish individuals
When push comes to shove, there are no families and friends, only individuals

So here I am, stuck in a trap, desperate
To come out of this cocoon, and yet unwilling
Decisions and responsibilities, no longer just big words
So tell me then, what does it take to grow up?

Evade the pain

The lyrics of a song by Budapest. One of my favourites.

Budapest

Evade the Pain

Rounded up the problems that I’m feeling here today.

Wrap them up and hide them out of sight and far away.

Take the ball and chain away that always keeps me down.

The sun won’t always shine just ‘cause you’re sheltered from the rain.

Everything worth anything will never be the same.

You can write a brand new chapter but you’ll never change the end.

So twist one more, all though I know you’ll break me.

Just be sure that I’m still in the game.

As long as I forever keep on twisting,

Evade the pain.

Solitude is where it tends to hit me really hard.

I keep myself in company, I’m keeping up my guard.

Turn my back and hide from what is standing right behind.

So twist one more, although I know you’ll break me.

Just be sure that I’m still in the game.

As long as I forever keep on twisting,

Evade the pain.

Everything I know is different,

Darker, colder, smaller, thinner,

Everything I know is different now, different now, it’s different now.

 

 

Lessons

I have lived really short and relatively uneventful life. And yet some lessons have been learnt.

1. Promise yourself that you will do one small selfless act everyday. (Even smiling and being polite when you really don’t feel like it will suffice) It feels great!!
2. There are two kinds of aam admi : One who does everything that he is sure will not be harmful to him. One who doesn’t do anything that is not beneficial to him.(One will stop and help when he sees a road accident, the other will probably stare at it some time and move on)
3. You are usually clueless about the things that people in the world are going through. News is only what the media decides to tell the world, what you grasp is only things that are likely to affect you directly.
4. First you need to overcome adversity, then you need to become extremely rich..then you can become Oprah.
5. One of the best joys in the world is seeing a baby who has just learned to walk wobble unsteadily towards you, with trust and admiration written all over his face.
6. Yummy food and loud music may be junk, but they sure clear your mind like nothing else can.
7. All relationships (including family friends and loved ones) are bounded by certain limits. Make sure you are just being sentimental when you say “What would I do without you”. You might just be given the chance to find out.
8. If you want to be popular, be nice. If you say you don’t want popularity, don’t crib about the horrible public you are surrounded by.
9. Don’t ask too many questions about life. Life is a boon. Remember that.
10. Your family is your best asset. Every time you feel like complaining, remind yourself that you are taking too much for granted.

The mind, its thoughts

An elephant and his mahut, a dog and his master, waking side by side would not have any problems doing that. Imagine two humans walking side by side on an unending road. There will come a time when they start thinking about why the other is walking half a step ahead of himself/herself or why they are walking together in the first place, or whether others are also walking in the same way. There is always this certain urge in humans to think too much. To wonder about things that are usually just rhetoric questions, or out of their control, but sometimes just plain absurd.

In extraordinary cases, it has lead to astounding revelations and discoveries, massive conquering conquests. But not everyone is extraordinary.

Two things come to mind… “The key to happiness is a weak memory” by Rita Mae Brown. And a tag line, one of my good friends used in his google talk tag message… “There are only two ways to be miserable…to think about everything….to not think about anything.”

The above words might reek of pessimism, but somehow they make sense to me right now. The human mind is not designed to let things go, to forget them. Thats what makes scientists and engineers follow their impossible dreams and make them possible. That is what makes art flow out from the inspired. This constant urge to hold everything in ones fist; to have control over things, the necessity of remaining informed. The craving for gossip, news. The insatiable need to have everything your own way. But all of it stops dead when it comes to the unknown.

The future. Nobody likes to have a thousand thoughts flooding through their head about the uncertainties of the future. And yet they keep on coming and you cant even stop them. Going round and round in your head, making you sleepless, driving you crazy.

The past. Things that will never be the same, questions that might never be answered, injustices that might never be set right, gratitude that might have not been expressed satisfactorily. Goodbyes that should have been said better.

Outer space. The reason why we can invest so much in the unknown. The sheer vastness of the universe. The dream of many young kids.

Blind faith. Another unknown. An easy way out of life’s important decisions. The best way to leave everything to that ultimate force to take care of; ans accept the outcome, whatever it is.

Whatever it thinks about, once the mind starts the thinking process, it is very difficult to stop it, and very addictive to continue thinking. And then Shakespeare gets the opportunity to write the famous words..’To be or not to be’. And the constant struggle of the human mind to understand and control everything that happens continues.

Baawaraa mann

Was listening to a beautiful song form the movie Hazaaron Khwaishen Aisi: (i know its has too many baawaraas but pay attention…the words are amazing)

Baawaraa mann dekhne chala ek sapna
Baaware se man ki dekho baawari si baaten
Baawari si dhadkane hai, baawari si saanse
Baawari si karvatonse nindiya door bhage
Baaware se nain chaahe baaware zharokon se
Baaware nazaaron ko takna….
Baawaraa mann dekhne chala ek sapna

Baaware se is jahaan me Baawaraa ek saath ho
Is sayanee bheed mein bas haathon mein tera haath ho
Baawari si dhun ho koi baawaraa ek raag ho
Baaaere se pair chaahe baaware taraanon ke
Baaware se bol pe thirakna
Baawara mann dekhne chala ek sapna

Baawara sa ho andhera, baawari khamoshiyan
Thartharaata lauh maddham, baawari madhoshiyaan
Baawara ek ghungta chaahe, hole hole bin bataaye,
Baaware se mukhde se sarakna
Baawaraa mann dekhne chale chalaa ek sapna

More beautiful words form Khoya Khoya Chand:

Ye nigaahen, nigaahen , nigaahen jhuki jhuki
Apni aahen labon ki hadon par ruki ruki
Mehfil mehfil kyu deewaan, ye parvaana ghoomta hai,
Jaal jaayega jaanta hai, to kyu shamaa ko choomta hai?

Swaanand Kirkire can sure come up with some interesting words.

What is it with humans and relationships? Why do we invest so much time, and so many emotions in other people? Why the constant struggle to keep everyone happy? Why the constant love-hate, independence-dependence, commitment-freedom conflicts? No two people can behave the same way, think the same way, react the same way to situations, and yet, there is this constant search for company, for companionship, for approval, for admiration.

Indeed a baawaraa mann.

Strength

When are you strong?

• When you don’t let harsh words from loved ones affect you?
• When you keep your past experiences locked away in the depths of your mind?
• When you make your life’s decisions at the age of 20-something and stick to them till death?
• When you stop thinking and start acting?(does that not defy the think before you leap concept?)
• When you build bridges instead of building walls around yourself?
• When you fight with rude bus conductors?
• When you know all the faults in yourself and yet push them in the background for fear of indulging in too much self-pity?
• When you have to hold her hand and tell her to move on, and in the mean while, behind her back,  tell him to stop answering her calls; because he gets upset too
• When you fight to change the way you are, because the way you are does nothing to improve your chances of survival in the competitive world.
• When you step into the race of life, unwillingly, and yet strive to be a better person?

Reminds me of Sheryl Crow’s words:

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave